Why Every Band Has That One Guy

 

If you've ever been in a band, worked with a band, dated someone in a band, or simply lived within hearing distance of one, you've probably noticed something.

Every band has "that guy."

Actually, every band has several of them.

We should know. We are them.

Jerry Bangston – The Responsible One

Every band somehow ends up with one person who is expected to solve everyone's problems.

Need someone to book the gig?

Jerry.

Need someone to carry the PA system?

Jerry.

Need someone to explain to the club owner why Stan climbed onto the roof?

Jerry.

Need someone to convince Jerome that "all-you-can-eat" doesn't mean forever?

Jerry.

Being the responsible member of a band is a lot like being the designated driver. Everyone appreciates you until it's time to do the work.

Stan "Crash" Cash – The Human Disaster

Every band has that one guy who believes every bad idea deserves a chance.

"If we light the drum kit on fire..."

"No."

"If I stage dive from the balcony..."

"No."

"What if we open with twenty minutes of feedback?"

"Still no."

Stan doesn't ask whether something is a good idea.

He asks whether it would make a great story later.

Usually, the answer is yes.

Usually, the emergency room agrees.

Jerome Bloom – The Innocent One

Every band has someone whose heart is in the right place...

...even if his brain occasionally takes the scenic route.

Jerome once asked if the "house band" actually lived in the building.

He thought a sound check meant seeing whether everyone could still hear after the previous night's concert.

He once spent twenty minutes trying to tune a microphone.

Nobody had the heart to stop him.

Bill Billingsly – The Professional Complainer

Every band needs one member whose purpose in life is pointing out everything that's wrong.

The weather.

The venue.

The audience.

The parking.

The equipment.

The economy.

Human civilization.

Bill can find something to complain about at an all-expenses-paid vacation.

"If the beach was any nicer," he'll say, "there'd be more people here."

His optimism has been missing for years.

Authorities are no longer searching.

The Gear Destroyer

Every band eventually discovers that musical equipment has feelings.

Mostly pain.

Amplifiers stop working five minutes before showtime.

Microphone cables develop personalities.

Guitar strings wait until the biggest solo of the night before snapping.

Drumsticks become guided missiles.

Nobody knows why.

Scientists have theories.

None involve competence.

The Late Guy

Every band has someone who believes rehearsal starts whenever they arrive.

"We said six."

"I know."

"It's eight-thirty."

"I hit traffic."

"You live next door."

"There was a squirrel."

Somehow they're always late...

...and somehow they're always the first one to ask when everyone else is going to be ready.

The Walking Music Encyclopedia

Every band also has someone who knows absolutely everything about music.

They know every guitar ever built.

Every amplifier.

Every microphone.

Every album.

Every obscure B-side recorded in a garage in 1978.

They can identify a guitar by hearing one note.

Unfortunately...

...they've never actually played one.

The Free Advice Guy

These people appear after every performance.

"You know what you guys should do..."

No.

We don't.

Please tell us.

We've only spent years writing songs, rehearsing, recording, hauling equipment, playing shows, and making mistakes.

Clearly, we've been waiting for someone who heard us for fifteen minutes to explain the music business.

Why Every Band Needs Them

As frustrating as all these personalities can be, they make life interesting.

Without Jerry, nothing would get organized.

Without Stan, nothing exciting would ever happen.

Without Jerome, we'd forget how funny innocence can be.

Without Bill, we'd never appreciate how good things actually are.

Bands aren't built because everyone is the same.

They're built because everyone's different.

Even if some of those differences occasionally result in broken equipment, confused audiences, and an insurance claim.

And if your band somehow doesn't have "that guy"...

Take a long look in the mirror.

You probably are him.

 
Bob Craypoe
Founder of Craypoe Productions and creator of the Punksters