Every musician dreams of being part of a great band.
This guide is not for those people.
Instead, this is a comprehensive manual for anyone who wants to become the bandmate everyone complains about the moment they leave the room. Follow these ten simple rules, and you'll have your band questioning every decision that led to inviting you in.
Rule #1: Never Learn the Songs
Practice is for people who lack confidence.
Why waste your valuable time learning the material when you can just watch everyone else's hands during rehearsal? If you get lost, simply stop playing until you figure out where everyone is. Better yet, ask what chord comes next... every single time.
The element of surprise keeps the music fresh.
Rule #2: Always Be Late
If rehearsal starts at 7:00, show up at 7:45.
If everyone is waiting for you, that's even better. Walk in carrying a drink and act as though everyone else arrived early.
Being punctual sends the dangerous message that you're dependable.
Don't let that happen.
Rule #3: Borrow Equipment Without Asking
Need a guitar cable?
Take one.
Need a tuner?
Grab it.
Need drumsticks?
The drummer probably has more.
The important thing is to never ask permission. Even better, forget to return whatever you borrowed. If someone asks where it is, simply say, "I thought it was mine."
Rule #4: Tune During the Song
Professional musicians tune before rehearsal.
Amateurs.
The truly terrible bandmate waits until everyone has already started playing.
Nothing enhances a heartfelt ballad like loud tuning noises drowning out the singer.
Rule #5: Always Have an Excuse
Didn't practice?
You were busy.
Forgot rehearsal?
Your phone died.
Didn't learn the new song?
You thought it was next week.
No matter what happens, remember one important rule:
It is never your fault.
Rule #6: Change the Song Without Warning
Everyone practiced one arrangement.
Play a different one.
Skip verses.
Repeat choruses.
Add an extra solo.
End the song four measures early.
The confusion on everyone else's faces is simply proof they aren't keeping up with your creative genius.
Rule #7: Bring the Loudest Food Possible
Band rehearsal is the perfect place to enjoy potato chips, pretzels, or anything else that sounds like someone walking on broken glass.
Bonus points if you leave greasy fingerprints on shared equipment.
Nothing says professionalism quite like barbecue sauce on a microphone.
Rule #8: Vanish When It's Time to Move Equipment
Loading gear?
Suddenly you have an important phone call.
Unloading the van?
You need to use the restroom.
Packing up after the show?
Somehow you've already made it to the parking lot.
The secret is to reappear just after everyone else finishes lifting the heavy stuff and casually ask, "Need any help?"
Rule #9: Blame Everyone Else
Made a mistake?
It was the drummer.
Missed your cue?
The singer distracted you.
Started in the wrong key?
The guitarist counted it off wrong.
Forgot your part entirely?
Clearly the sound system caused it.
A true terrible bandmate never accepts responsibility. There is always someone else available to blame.
Rule #10: Believe You're the Only Important Member
Treat every rehearsal like everyone else is your backup band.
Bob Craypoe
Founder of Craypoe Productions
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